A Dirty Job Chapter 6

6VARIABLE SPEED HEROESIn the completelyey can Ashers Secondhand, the emperor moth of San Francisco hand-fed olive focaccia to the troop and tried to keep dog honker from fouling his breakfast.Patience, Bummer, the emperor say to the Boston terrier, who was leaping at the day-old stray of flat bread want a furry Super Ball, season Lazarus, the solemn golden retriever, stood by, waiting for his share. Bummer snorted an impatient reply (thus the dog s non). Hed worked up a furious appetite because breakfast was running late today. The emperor entirelyterfly had slept on a bench by the Maritime Museum, and during the night his derelict knee had snaked tabu of his wool gr eatcoat into the damp cold, fashioning the strait to North Beach and the Italian bakery that gave them free day-old a slow and agonized ordeal.The emperor only whenterfly groaned and sat smooth on an void milk crate. He was a great rolling bear of a homosexual, his shoulders broad moreover a littl e broken from carrying the weight of the city. A white tangle of h behavior and beard wreathed his face give care a storm cloud. As far as he could remember, he and the troops had patrolled the city streets forever, but upon further consideration, it might hold practiced been since Wednesday. He wasnt entirely confident(predicate).The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to the troops ab step to the fore the importance of compassion in the face of the rising run of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States. (He put in his audience was most attentive to his proclamations when the meat-laced focaccia were still nuzzled in the larder of his everyplacecoat pockets, and presently a pepperoni and Parmesan reposed fragrant in the woolly depths, so the kingly hounds were rapt.) but beneficial as he cleared his throat to begin, a cargo van came screeching around the corner, went up on both wheels as it plowed through a row of slobber cans, and slid to a stop not fifty feet away. The drivers-side door flew open and a trend man in a suit leapt out, carrying a scold and a womans fur coat, and make a beeline for the back door of Ashers. But earlier he got two steps the man skin to the concrete as if hit from behind, consequently rolled on his back and began flailing at the air with the call on the carpet and the coat. The Emperor, who knew most every ane, recognized Charlie Asher.Bummer erupted into a fit of yapping, but the more level ideaed Lazarus growled once and took off toward Charlie.Lazarus the Emperor shouted, but the retriever charged on, followed flat by his bug-eyed br early(a) in arms.Charlie was back on his feet and swinging the whip as if he was fencing with some phantom, using the coat homogeneous a shield. Living on the street, the Emperor had regardn a lot of mass battling with un operaten demons, but Charlie Asher was apparently scoring some hits. The cane was making a thwacking noise a gainst what appeared to be adulterate air but no, at that place was something on that point, a shadow of some sort?The Emperor climbed to his feet and limped into the fray, but onwards he got two steps Lazarus had leapt and appeared to be attacking Charlie, but he soared over the shopkeeper and snapped at a spot above his head then hung thither, his jaws sunk into the substantial neck of thin air.Charlie took advantage of the distraction, stepped back, and swung the cane above the levitating golden retriever. in that location was a smack, and Lazarus allow go, but instantly Bummer launched himself at the invisible foe. He missed whatever was there, and ended up performing a doggy swish shot into a refuse can.Charlie made for the steel door of Ashers again, but found it keep mumed, and as he reached for his keys, something caught him from behind.Let go, fuckface, the shade screeched.The fur coat Charlie was holding appeared to be move out of his hand and was pulled strai ght up, over the four-story building and out of sight.Charlie false and held the cane at coiffure, but whatever had been there put one acrossmed to be at peace(p) now.Arent you fair supposed to sit above the door and nevermore and be poetic and stuff? he shouted at the sky. accordingly, for good mea surely, added, You flagitious fuckLazarus barked, then whined. A sharp and metallic yapping rose from Bummers garbage can.Well, you dont see that every day, said the Emperor as he limped up to Charlie.You could see that?Well, no, not really. Merely a shadow, but I could see that something was there. There was something there, wasnt there, Charlie?Charlie nodded, trying to catch his breath. It will be back. It followed me across the city. He dug into his pocket for his keys. You guys should duck into the store with me, Your Majesty. Of course Charlie knew the Emperor. Every San Franciscan knew the Emperor.The Emperor grind. Thats very kind of you, but we will be utterly safe. For now I need to free my charge from his galvanized prison. The big man tipped the garbage can and Bummer emerged snorting and tossing his head as if ready to tear the ass out of any man or wolf foolhardy enough to cross him (and he would sport, as recollective as they were knee-high or shorter).Charlie was still having trouble with the key. He knew he should contract had the lock replaced, but it worked, if you finessed it a little, so hed never made it a priority. Who the hell thought youd ever have to fall in flying to escape a giant bird? Then he perceive a screech and turned to see not one, but two huge ravens coming over the roof and diving into the alley. The dogs arfed a aroused barking salvo at the avian intruders and Charlie put so much be English into wiggling the key in the lock that he felt an haggard dancing muscle tear in his hip.Theyre back. Cover me. Charlie threw the cane to the Emperor and braced himself for the impact, but as currently as the cane touche d(p) the old mans hand the birds were gone. You could almost hear the pop of the air switch the space they had taken up. The dogs caught themselves in mid-ruff Bummer whimpered.What? the Emperor said. What?Theyre gone.The Emperor looked at the sky. Youre sure?For now.I saw two shadows. Really saw them this time, the Emperor said.Yes, there were two this time.What are they?I have no idea, but when you took the cane they well, they disappeared. You really saw them?Im sure of it. Like smoke with a purpose. in conclusion the key turned in the lock and the door to Ashers back way of life swung open. You should come in. Rest. Ill order something to eat.No, no, the men and I moldiness be on our rounds. Ive decided to make a proclamation this morning and we need to see the printer. Youll be needing this. The Emperor presented the cane to Charlie equal he was turning over a sword of the realm.Charlie started to take it, then thought better of it. Your Majesty, I turn over youd better kee p that. It looks as if you might be qualified to use it. Charlie nodded toward the Emperors creaky knee.The Emperor held the cane steady. I am not a worshiper of the material, you know?I understand that.I am a firm believer that desire is the source of most of gracious suffering, youre aware, and no culprit is more heinous than desire for material gain.I run my business based on those very principles. Still, I avow you keep the cane as a favor to me, if you would?Charlie found himself affecting the Emperors formal speech patterns, as if somehow he had been transported to a munificent court where a nobleman was distinguished by bread crumbs in his beard and the royal guard were not above licking their balls.Well, as a favor, I will accept. It is a fine piece of craftsmanship.But more importantly, it will permit you to make your rounds in good time.The Emperor now betrayed the desire in his stock ticker as he let fly a wide grin and hugged the cane to his chest. It is fine, ind eed. Charlie, I must confess something to you, but I ask you to grant me the credulity collectable a man who has full shared witness, with a friend, of two giant, raven-shaped shades.Of course. Charlie smiled, when tied(p) a moment before he would have thought his smile lost somewhere in the months onetime(prenominal).I hope you wont think me base, but the second I touched this, I felt as if I had been waiting for it my whole life.Then, for no reason that he could think of, Charlie said, I know.A few minutes before, inside the store, Lily had been brooding. It wasnt her general brood, the reaction to a knowledge domain where everyone was stupid and life was meaningless and the mere act of financial backing was futile, especially if your mother forgot to scramble umber at the store. This one was a more specific brood, that had started out when she arrived at work and tool had pointed out that it was her turn to wear the vacuuming tiara, and insisted that if she wore the tiara , she actually vacuum the store. (In fact, she kindredd wearing the rhinestone tiara that Charlie, in a move of blatant bourgeois sneakiness, had designated be worn by whoever did the vacuuming and sweeping each day, and no other time. It was the vacuuming and sweeping she objected to. She felt manipulated, used, and mostly taken advantage of, and not in the fun way.) But today, after shed put the tiara and the vacuum away and had finally gotten a couple of cups of coffee in her system, the brooding had gone on, building to full-scale angst, when it began to dawn on her that she was going to have to accede out this college-career thing, because despite what The Great big Book of Death said, she had not been chosen as a saturnine minion of destruction. FuckShe stood in the back room looking at all the items that Charlie had piled there the day before shoes, lamps, umbrellas, porcelain figures, toys, a couple of books, and an old bare-and-white television and a painting of a cl own on black velvet.He said this stuff was eager? she asked radiate, who stood in the doorway to the store.Yes. He made me check it all with my Geiger counter.Ray, why the fuck do you have a Geiger counter?Lily, why do you have a poke stud shaped like a bat?Lily ignored the incertitude and picked up the ceramic frog from the night before, which now had a seam taped to it that read DO NOT SELL OR march in Charlies meticulous block-letter printing. This was one of the things? This?That was the first one he freaked out close, said Ray matter-of-factly. The truant officer tried to buy it. That started it all.Lily was shaken. She indorse over to Charlies desk and sat in the squeaky oak swivel chairwoman. Do you see anything glowing or pulsating, Ray? Have you ever?Ray shook his head. Hes under a lot of stress, losing Rachel and taking care of the baby. I think maybe he needs to get some process. I know after I had to leave the force Ray paused.There was a commotion going on ou t in the alley, dogs barking and bulk shouting, then someone was working a key in the lock of the back door. A second later, Charlie came in, a little breathless, his clothes smudged here and there with grime, one sleeve of his jacket torn and bloodstained.Asher, Lily said. Youre hurt. She quickly vacated his chair while Ray took Charlie by the shoulders and sat him down.Im fine, Charlie said. No big deal.Ill get the first-aid kit, Ray said. Get that jacket off of him, Lily.Im fine, Charlie said. Quit talk of the town about me like Im not here.Hes delirious, Lily said, trying to pry Charlie out of his jacket. Do you have any painkillers, Ray?I dont need painkillers, Charlie said.Shut up, Asher, theyre not for you, Lily said, automatically, then she considered the book, Rays story, the notes on all the items in the back room, and she shuddered. It appeared that Charlie Asher might not be the hapless geek she always thought him to be. Sorry, boss. Let us help you.Ray came back from the front with a small plastic first-aid kit. He peeled back Charlies sleeve and began to clean the wounds with gauze and peroxide. What happened?Nothing, Charlie said. I slipped and fell in some gravel. The wounds pretty clean no gravel in it. That must have been some fall.Long story. Charlie sighed. OuchWhat was all the noise in the alley? Lily asked, needing badly to go smoke, but unable to pull herself away. She just couldnt imagine that Charlie Asher was the one. How could it be him? He was so, so, unworthy. He didnt understand the dark underbody of life the way she did. Yet he was the one seeing the glowing objects. He was it. She was crestfallen.Just the Emperors dogs after a seagull in the Dumpster. No big deal. I fell off a porch in peaceful Heights.The acres, Ray said. Howd that go?Not well. The husband was grief-stricken and had a heart attack while I was there.Youre kidding.No, he just sort of became overwhelmed thinking about his wife and collapsed. I gave him CPR un til the EMTs came and took him off to the hospital.So, Lily said, did you get the uh did you get anything special?What? Charlies eyes went wide. What do you mean, special? There was nothing special.Chill, boss, I just meant will we get the grandmas clothes? Hes it, Lily thought. The fucker.Charlie shook his head. I dont know, its so alien. The whole thing is so strange. He shuddered when he said it. fantastical how? Lily said. Strange in a cool and dark way, or strange because youre Asher and youre out of it most of the time?Lily Ray snapped. Go out front. remains something.Youre not the boss of me, Ray. Im just showing my concern.Its okay, Ray. Charlie looked like he was considering how, barely, to determine strange, and not coming up with anything that was working. Finally he said, Well, for one thing, this womans estate is way out of our league. The husband said he called me because we were the first victimized store in the phone book, but he doesnt seem like the kind of m an to do something like that.Thats not that strange, Lily said. Just confess, she thought.You said that he was grief-stricken, Ray said, dabbing antibiotic ointment on Charlies cuts. Maybe hes doing things differently.Yes, and he was angry at his wife, too, for the way she died.How? Lily asked.She ate silica gel, Charlie said.Lily looked at Ray for an explanation, because silica gel sounded techno-geeky, which was Rays particular field of geekdom. Ray said, Its the antidesiccant that they pack with electronics and other things that are sensitive to humidity.The Do Not Eat stuff? Lily said. Oh my God, thats so stupid. Everyone knows you dont eat the Do Not Eat stuff.Charlie said, Mr. Mainheart was pretty broken up.Well, I guess so, Lily said. He married a complete fucktard.Charlie cringed. Lily, thats not appropriate.Lily shrugged and rolled her eyes. She hated it when Charlie dropped into public address system mode. Okay, okay. Im going outside to smoke.No Charlie jumped out of the chair and put himself betwixt Lily and the back door. Out front. From now on if you have to smoke you go out front.But you said that I look like a child hooker when I smoke out front.Ive reassessed. Youve matured.Lily closed one eye to see if she could better glimpse into his soul and thus figure out his true agenda. She smoothed over her black vinyl skirt, which made a tortured, squeaking noise at the touch. Youre trying to say I have a big butt, arent you?I absolutely am reflection no such thing, Charlie insisted. I am simply saying that your front line in front of the store is an asset and will probably thread business from the tourists on the cable car.Oh. Okay. Lily snatched her box of cloves off the desk and headed out past the counter and outside to brood, grieve really, because as much as she had hoped, she was not Death. The book was Charlies.That withaling Charlie was watching the store, enquire why he had be to his employees, when he saw a flash of red passing by the front window. A second later, a strikingly pale carrottoped woodpecker came through the door. She was wearing a short, black cocktail dress and black fuck-me pumps. She strode up the aisle like she was auditioning for a music video. Her hair cascaded in long curls around her shoulders and down her back like a great chromatic veil. Her eyes were emerald green, and when she saw him looking, she smiled, and stopped, some ten feet away.Charlie felt an almost painful jolt that seemed to emanate from somewhere in the area of his groin, and after a second he recognized it as an autonomic lust response. He hadnt felt anything like that since Rachel had passed, and he felt vaguely ashamed.She was examining him, looking him over like you would examine a used car. He was sure he must be blushing.Hi, Charlie said. Can I help you?The redhead smiled again, just a little, and reached into a small black bag that he hadnt detect shed been carrying. I found this, she said, holding up a silver posterior case. Something Charlie didnt see very often anymore, even in the secondhand business. It was glowing, pulsating like the objects in the back room. I was in the neighborhood and something made me think that this belonged here.She moved to the counter opposite Charlie and set the cigarette case down in front of him.Charlie could barely move. He stared at her, not even conscious that to avoid her eyes he was staring at her cleavage, and she appeared to be looking around his head and shoulders as if following the path of insects that were buzzing around him.Touch me, she said.Huh? He looked up, saw she was serious. She held out her hand her nails were manicured and multicolor the same deep red as her lipstick. He took her hand.As soon as she touched him she pulled away. Youre warm.Thanks. In that moment he realized that she wasnt. Her fingers had been ice-cold.Then youre not one of us?He tried to think of what us might be? Irish? Low blood pressure? nymphomaniac? Why did he even think that? Us? What do you mean, us?She plump for away a step. No. You dont just take the weak and the sick, do you? You take anyone.Take? What do you mean, take?You dont even know, do you?Know what? Charlie was getting very nervous. As a Beta Male, he found it nasty enough to function under the attention of a beautiful woman, but she was just plain spooky. Wait. Can you see this thing glowing? He held out the cigarette case.No glow. It just felt like it belonged here, she said. Whats your hit?Charlie Asher. This is Ashers.Well, Charlie, you seem like a nice guy, and I dont know exactly what you are, and it doesnt seem like you know. You dont, do you?Ive been going through some changes, Charlie said, wondering why he felt compelled to share this at all.The redhead nodded, as if confirming something to herself. Okay. I know what its like to, uh, to find yourself thrown into a situation where forces beyond your control are changing you into someone, something you dont have an owners manual of arms for. I understand what it is to not know. But someone, somewhere, does know. Someone can recognise you whats going on.What are you talking about? But he knew what she was talking about. What he didnt know was how she could possibly know.You make people die, dont you, Charlie? She said it like she had worked up the courage to tell him that he had some spinach in his teeth. More of a service to him than an accusation.How do you ? How did she Because its what I do. Not like you, but its what I do. Find them, Charlie. Backtrack and find whoever was there when your world changed.Charlie looked at her, then at the cigarette case, then at the redhead again, who was no longer smiling, but was stepping backward toward the door. Trying to stay in touch with normal, he focused on the cigarette case and said, I suppose I can do an appraisal He comprehend the bell over the door jingle, and when he looked up she was gone.He didnt see her moving by the windows on eithe r side of the door she was just gone. He ran to the front of the store and out the door onto the sidewalk. The Mason alley cable car was just topping the hill up by California Street and he could hear the bell, there was a thin fog coming up from the Bay that threw colorful halos around the nor-east signs of the other businesses, but there was no striking redhead on the street. He went to the corner and looked down Vallejo, but again no redhead, just the Emperor, sitting against the building with his dogs.Good evening, Charlie.Your Majesty, did you see a redhead go by here just now?Oh yes. Spoke to her. Im not sure you have a chance there, Charlie, I believe shes spoken for. And she did rebuke me to stay away from you.Why? Did she say why?She said that you were Death.I am? Charlie said. Am I? His breath caught in his throat as the day played back in his head. What if I am?You know, son, the Emperor said, I am not an expert in dealing with the fairer sex, but you might want to sav e that bit of information until the third designation or so, after theyve gotten to know you a little.